Do You Want More Hair?
John A. Ward
Dorsal Winner
Geezer couldn’t believe his ears.  He reached behind them and pressed the buttons on his hearing aids to make sure they beeped and that he hadn’t accidentally put a suppository in his ear like last week, when he had to go to the emergency room to get it out.  “No, they’re in and working.  Did I hear right?  You can give me more hair?”
Placing her hand on her hip, snapping her gum, and shifting her hips to stand akimbo, Dixie winked.  “I sure can.”
“Not in my ears or my nose,” said Geezer.  “I’ve got more than enough in there.”
Dixie grabbed his chin and turned his head to peek in his beak and ogle his ears.  “Well, you’ve got an impressive crop in there, but not enough for a comb over.”
“Don’t want a comb over.  I want real hair on the top of my head.  Can you do that?”
Dixie shrugged, “I can do implants.”
“How can you do implants?  You’re not a doctor.  You need a license for that, and surgical equipment.”
“I read about it on Wikipedia.  I’ve got a box full of sweepings, male and female from this week’s haircuts, and I have a stapler.”
“Stapler?  I don’t know about that.  I don’t think them hair surgeons use staplers.”
“Well, maybe you’re right.  Since this is my first time, maybe I should use glue.”
“Maybe you should use duct tape.”
“Now that’s just plain silly.  If I used duct tape, nobody would see the hair.  They’d think you fell down, bonked your head, and had to be patched up in the emergency room or Home Depot.”
“Yeah, you’re right.  I’d better leave it to you.  You’re the beauty consultant.”
Dixie decided to use rubber cement.  She had an aerosol can and covered Geezer’s bald bean with it.  At first, she tried to blend the hair colors into a natural look and wave, but then she got bored and began experimenting with a spiky do and blue and purple dyes.
Later in the emergency room, the triage nurse asked Geezer, “Back again?  Do you feel you might be accident prone?”
“I’m beginning to think so,” said Geezer.

First published: February, 2014
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