You know, I’ve never been a fan of whipping out prayer cards, reciting novenas or calling on saints. I’ve always believed the Lord helps those who help themselves. But truth is this past year my life has gone to hell in a hand basket. I lost my job at the Wax Museum and where, I ask you, is a guy going to find another job? Especially when his only expertise is molding authentic looking torsos out of paraffin? Not only that, my wife left me for a five foot jockey from over at Long Acres and my back yard is being eaten away three feet every year by the Little Branch Creek.(1)
I was desperate. My son plays for a Little League team called Saints and Demons. What the hell? A saint is a saint, right? What did I have to lose? So I asked the kids for help. You might say I got down on my knees and begged. Kids have a lot of pull with the Big Guy, I think. They also have a lot of energy and good backs. Initially all I wanted from them was help with sandbags(2) but they did such a great job I extended my to-do list.
I told them I needed work, asked them to go to their parents and plead my case. Finally, I asked them to go on Facebook and blacklist that damn jockey, start rumors and pretty much screw up his life in any way possible. Never ever underestimate a kid. By the end of the week my back yard had stabilized, the jockey had been run out of town and my wife came back. Additionally, I got a job bending fishhooks for a startup company down in Cleburne.
The Saints and Demons(3) ended up with a 5-5 season. Tell you the truth, it might not have been the saints at all. Could have been the demon portion of the team. Do I care? Nope. Not even a little bit. I saved my land, preserved my financial future and even restored my marriage. Thing is, my wife is starting to get on my last nerve.(4) Kind of wish she’d gone off with the jockey. Maybe next year I’ll get the team to work on that.
(1) Little Branch Creek is an often wild tributary of the Trinity River.
(2) Sandbags are heavy burlap (usually) bags filled with sand and used to hold back water for a temporary length of time.
(3) Demons are said to be nymph-life creatures bent on harassing and torturing human beings on behalf of the devil.
(4) Nerves are small wiggly things under the skin. Does not take a lot to set them off.