John A. Ward

So dis guy is much bigger den David and David knows he'll only get one shot.

Is dis a Bible story?

Yeah, you got a problem wit dat?

Nah, no problem.

Goliath is big, but he don't have to be much bigger dan David to be a giant. Goliath knows David is gonna be faster dan him.  He can't let David get inside his reach or he'll have da advantage.

Dey sound like boxers.

It's the way dey was in dose days.  All right?

Yeah, yeah, fine.  Go on.

De're only about a head different.  If ya seen Michangelo's statue of David in da Uffuzi.

In da jacuzzi?

Not da jacuzzi, da Uffuzi Gallery, in Italy.

When was you in Italy?

Never.  I seen a picture, OK?

Yeah, whatever.

Anyway, David is big, but Goliath is bigger. You wouldn't wanna mess with either of 'em.  So,  David decides he ain't takin' no chances.  He picks up a stone da size of a baseball.  If dere was an Abner Doubleday in dose days, David woulda been a big league pitcher.

Ya don't say?

Yeah, I do say.  He had a ninety-five-mile-per-hour fastball, though they measured it in cubits in dose days.

What's a cubit?

I'm told it's da length of a forearm.

Who told ya?

Fadda Mulrooney.

Oh, well ya can't argue wit da good fadda in matters of fate.

Dat's what I figger.  David had bigger cubits dan most men, which you can also tell from da statue.

I've hoid  dat wimmin passin' trew da gallery say, "Wow, look at da cubits on dat guy," but dey say it in Italian.  

I'll have to ask Gina how to translate it.

Sure ya will, but who's tellin' dis story?

You are.  I was just agreein'.

Right.  When David beans Goliath, da giant drops his club.  Usually, Goliath would just step inta da pitch and knock it outta da battlefield, but David was so fast, da big guy couldn't see da stone so much as hear it, and Goliath had da sun in his eyes, so he nevva got ta swing.

In da scriptchas it sez David used a sling.

I know.  Dat's because da divinely inspired didn't want no baseball in da Bible.  Dey wanted ta leave sumptin' fer man ta create.

First published:May, 2009
comments to the writer: doorknobsandbodypaint@gmail.com