"Shush!"

"Don't shush m--"

"I'm listening! Hear that?"

"What, Will?"

"Sounded like tinkling glass. Something being broken?"

"Outside?"

"Downstairs."

"Can't be the cat. We don't have one."

"Shush! I'm serious, Marie. There's someone down there."

"In our house?"

"Think so."

"A burglar?"

"For our sakes, I hope so. Didn't you see the news today?"

"No. Why? Will? What's wrong?"

"You haven't heard about Hal Hunter?"

"Hal, who?"

"What the hell do you do at home all day? No. Don't answer that."

"You know damn well, I'm a housewife. I organize the household. Cook and clean! Things that would never get done without me! Now, tell me about this Hal guy."

"I'm sorry, darling. I'm on edge. I don't want to scare you, but you need to know. He's the nutter who held that family hostage, cut off their limbs and hung them as Christmas decorations. When the police burst in he was having Christmas dinner with their lifeless torsos seated around the table in front of plates with turkey dinner served. They were the 'happy family' he never had."

"Oh, God! You mean 'House guest' Hunter?"

"Yes, him! And he's escaped the psychiatric hospital."

"The one down the road? Ashcroft Ward?"

"Yes!"

"He was living that close to us and I didn't know it?"

"Yes. The acute, apparently secure, ward."

"What can we do? I'm scared, Will. He's probably setting the table right now."

"It might not be him."

"Who else would be wandering around our house at 4 am?"

"I'll have to go and check."

"You can't go down there!"

"Well, we're sitting ducks here."

"But--"

"What choice have we got?"

"He's in the kitchen. I think the cutlery drawer just opened."

"Shit. Yes, it did."

"Don't look at me like that. Please? You're scaring me, Will. Will?"

"Where's my Louisville Slugger?"

"The wooden bat?"

"I hid it here. A while back. In case we had intruders. Please tell me you know where it is, Marie."

"Under the bed. But it will be covered in dust and cobwebs...What was that look for?"

"Nothing, Marie. Get off the bed so I can look underneath."

"Listen..."

"Oh, Will! Hurry! I heard footsteps on the stairs."

"He's coming up!"

"Found it?"

"I'm trying!"

"Quick!"

"Think I see it. If I could just put the light on-"

"Aghhhhhhhhhh! William!"

"Whoah! Fuck!"

"Does that help? I think so. Now we can all see what's going on," their new house guest said, with one hand still on the light switch and the other holding up the newest edition to his knife collection--a meat cleaver from their kitchen drawer. "I didn't have one of my own on hand," he said, as if apologising.