Thus Spoke Sarah Duester
John A. Ward
Hayward Fault Line Winner

"Vampires rarely have freckles," she said, as she stirred her coffee with a pencil.

It was one of her random pronouncements like a prophet in the desert with a burning bush. Once she said, "You can drink bathwater when it rains," as she soaked in the hot tub during Carnival. I would have left her last year if she wasn't the best samba mama in Rio de Janeiro. I knew I shouldn't, but asked, "What did you say, Sarah?"

"Hey nonny, nonny."

"No, you're not going to get away with it this time. You said something about vampires and freckles. I want to know where those ridiculous udders of yours come from."

"I think you mean utterances."

"Oh, yes, I'm, sorry, I was distracted."

"I'll bet you were. You men are all the same."

"I wouldn't be if you didn't wear such provocative decoupage."

"I think you mean décolletage."

"Let's stick to freckles."

"Why, do you want to see my freckle?"

"It's not a freckle, it's a mole and I've already seen it."

"Would you like to see it again?" she said.

"No, I want you to tell me why vampires don't have freckles," I said.

"It's elements of the blood from their victims that soften the skin and protect it from blemishes."

"No, that's from a commercial you heard on the TV about moisturizing cream."

"You're right. I read it in a poem by Bob Kaufman. He said, 'People who can't cast shadows rarely die of freckles.'"

"I knew there had to be an explanation," I rolled my eyes.

"It's irrefutable logic. They can't go out in sunlight. If they stay in the dark, they don't cast shadows. Sunlight causes freckles," she said. "You've never seen a vampire with freckles, have you?"

"I've never seen a vampire."

"You must have seen them in movies?"

"Well, if they have to stay in the dark, they can't be captured on film. Those are actors."

"Nuh uh, they're real vampires. The cameras are loaded with infra red film. It records heat."

"Oh, thank you for clearing that up for me," I said.

"You're welcome."

"I knew I shouldn't have asked."

"Next time listen to your intuition."

First published: November, 2008
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