Idea for a story: A man awakens to find his parrot has been made Secretary of Agriculture. He is consumed with jealousy -- Woody Allen

Morton was snoozing heavily, dreaming he had lucked out by getting a quadruple bypass when he had only paid for a triple, when the radio came on with the news that President Clinton had named Morton's parrot, Stubby, the new Secretary of Agriculture. Morton rolled over and tried to get a few more winks but he couldn't get the news out of his mind. Sure, he knew Stubby had been under consideration for the post but he didn't think he had a realistic chance. After all, not many parrots make it to the cabinet level; usually they get stuck in some mid-level, paper-pushing position until they retire early and collect a nice pension.

Morton sat bolt upright as the reality sunk in. Damn that parrot, he thought. You pull a few strings and get it a job as a file clerk in your office and the next thing you know it's working its way up the ladder and you're still stuck in accounting. Stubby was star material, all right, mainly because he was the consummate yes man. In fact, all he could say, or rather squawk, was, "Yes," sprinkled with "Yes, sir" and "You're right." It only took a short while for him to catch the eye of the mucky mucks. He was definitely a big hit at staff meetings; when a decision needed to be made they could always count on Stubby. It was just a couple months ago when he had been named Assistant Secretary of Agriculture. For some reason, shortly thereafter the Secretary was found on the sidewalk outside the Agriculture Building sitting on an egg and offering to darn the socks of passersby. Understandably, he needed to be replaced. Stubby's short interview with the President had gone well and the thing was in the bag.

Still, Morton had been hoping against hope Stubby wouldn't get the job. For one thing, the bird had begun taking on airs as his position became more elevated. Stubby began bringing home attractive women, usually blondes with pouty lips. What they saw in the bird, Morton couldn't figure out. The announcement of Stubby's ascension to Ag Secretary put Morton over the top. He decided to lure Stubby up to the roof of his apartment building and throw him off. It didn't work.

Eventually Morton resigned himself to playing second fiddle and began lobbying Clinton to stick Stubby in the vice presidential slot on the ticket. Everything was going well until the press found out about Stubby's spotty war record.