After hearing the news I walked around in a daze. No tears were shed, simply a numbness, a disbelief which turned into a survival mode allowing normal routines to exist. That evening I went out and ordered a dozen red roses to be picked up the next day. You see, it was her 65th birthday and I wanted to do something special, to hand them to her personally, to let her know how much I loved her. Simple pleasures took on an entirely different meaning through the years, starting from then on. They became uncomplicated, treasured, filled with laughter and understanding, because you never know.........
That night nature showed its fever. Privately I thought it was trying to express its own displeasure at a decision higher powers had made. I stepped out onto the deck and sat on the stairs, my tears shadowed by the rain, slightly feeling the breeze that whipped tree branches around its trunks. I looked around trying to inhale that exact moment, wanting to keep the darkness I felt then, to compare it with the same time next year when my world would be changed forever.
I couldn't photograph it, couldn't paint or draw it and I especially couldn't put it into words. It's like a recurring dream that always remains elusive upon wakening.
Every year on that date I step outside on a deck that has since been rebuilt to remember that moment and its history. The night sky studded with diamonds still provides a canvas for my emotions. I still vacation at this time every year to allow myself to remember all the good times my best friend and I've enjoyed. I can now appreciate all that I've been taught, all the simple things that have been passed on to me. I now know where my green thumb came from, my cooking skills, my laughter, caring, and special sense of witty humour along with a unique stubbornness my mother passed to me.
It's less hard now, though her ending was painful for such a beautiful soul. Now I can remember everything before, not just what we went through during that last year. Nature still shows it's regard every year, that's just the kind of influence my mom has in a heaven of your imagination. I also think that's why I find stormy weather comforting. I know that walks during the rain bring me closer to life and to passion. It shows me the fine line between love and hate. It reveals to me what you have and what you can lose, in just a moment.
It simply allows me to be.......in the moment.