It was a great deal easier than I had ever imagined it could be. It was a very dark, but completely unclouded night. There were no shots. Nobody screamed. Except me, and that was only in my mind.

Having been a connoisseur of horror movies and books my entire life, I concluded that it was not possible for a normal human being to simply kill another, because we don't go willingly into that long, dark night of the soul; it is a journey that we make kicking, screaming, scratching, biting and fighting all the way. The phrase "take someone's life," sounds like something that is extremely easy to do. Like taking candy from a baby. In reality, the taking of someone's life is very complicated and messy and would be a general pain in the ass and not worth the trouble for most people. I truly came to believe that only psychopaths, sociopaths and people who were evil incarnate could kill another human being effortlessly.

I was wrong.

When I first traveled by airplane, I could not make myself absolutely believe that I was flying. After landing in a foreign country, I still could not shake off the impression that I had just been on an incredible amusement park ride, and had not really gone anywhere. It was all just done with smoke, mirrors and CGI. To this day, I still do not take flying very seriously. I know that the reason I do this is to prevent myself from completely giving into panic at the thought of flying through the air 50,000 feet above the ground at several hundred miles per hour. Actually, I guess it is more the thought of falling through the air 50,000 feet at several hundred miles per hour that panics me.

I similarly do not really believe that I pushed my ex-boyfriend off a bridge and killed him.

I know that he is dead because I read it in the paper. However, I have not been able to make myself believe I killed him, that I was the instrument that shuffled him off this mortal coil. It wasn't messy, complicated or remarkable in any way.

Of course, the thought now occurs to me that possibly I am a borderline sociopath. I have never really liked people; in fact, I disdain them on a regular basis. However, I do have friends that I love and care about, so I can't possibly be an evil person. Could I?

The only thing I know for sure is that the line between adoration and abhorrence is extraordinarily tenuous, and leaving me is a sure way to make me cross it. Nobody is allowed to leave me, and live.