I checked 'colonoscopy' in the dictionary and strangled the interoffice mail with a heavy rubber band. Instinctively, I sucked my middle knuckle where my pinched peach fuzz sizzled and half-blinded myself with the pink-tipped eraser of my double-leaded pencil. An old woman rapped on my window as the phone rang.

"Charleston Memorial," I said. "Dr. Astrow's office. May I help you?"

I slid the glass panel open with my unscathed hand and fractured the only nail that had survived three typing tests, six job interviews, and my husband's tryst with my ex-best friend, Sheila. She and my drooling mate rocked the four-wheeled drive of Sheila's parked S.U.V. for six consecutive weekends while I painted our den Buff.

"Y-yes, sir," I stuttered. "Dr. Astrow would like to test a series of books on Mr. Bannister. . ."

"Do you have the time, Miss?"

I glued my ear to the phone. My fourteen karat post speared my submaxillary gland. "I'm s-sorry, sir. Dr. Astrow would like to book a series of tests on Mr. Bannister, sir. The upper and lower G.I."

"Fancy schmancy office and no clock?" said the old woman. "He charges by the minute maybe?"

"Five-thirty. Thank you again, sir."

As I hung up the phone, a voice filled the waiting room.

"DOC," an old man wheezed, "LISTEN TO ME! AND ALL I DID WAS CLIMB THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!" "My brother," clucked the old woman. "He's deaf in one ear. Oh, my heart goes out to him. Max suffers so."

"SO TELL ME, DOC," moaned the old man. "WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN I TRY TO HAVE SEX!?"

"MESHUGANAH!" cried the old woman. "Deaf in one ear and dumb as Sol Weissman who left his beautiful wife Sadie for a young girl. ANOTHER MESHUGANAH!" The old woman sighed. "My Sadie died of a broken heart three months later. The doctor said leukemia, but what does he know about Sadie? She was an angel. A wonderful friend, God rest her soul. I spit on the flowers he put on her grave!" The old woman leaned forward. "Do you drive, Miss?" she demanded.

"No," I said.

"Married forty-seven years and what does Sol do? He meets a girl -- fifty-two -- at a bingo game and boom! -- they're in love. "What does she have that I don't have, Sol," says Sadie. "She drives a car, Sadie," says Sol. "We're going to Disney World and that's that. You can keep the house. Good-bye!"

The old woman reached for my bruised hand. "My advice to you is this, Miss. LEARN TO DRIVE!" If my Sadie knew how to drive, she'd still be alive today!"

Unflinching, I reached for the Yellow Pages.