Sometimes Things Just Happen
Vida Janulaitis

T here wasn't a moment that I didn't think about it. Reflecting back to the time when my life changed from having a smile on my face to pure desperation. Time stands still and I wish I had chosen another path but here I am doomed. Never knowing for sure when I would slip back to the darkness and one day simply fade away.
Today things became so bad that I needed to get out and find some souls to talk to. Looking up the nearest meeting, I found one close by in about an hour. It was three in the morning and the streets of Kansas City were deserted except for night creatures. We blend into the dark as we walk unseen to everyone but ourselves and our thoughts. They become loudest as darkness falls.
I walk into the room filled with companions whose eyes know and show more about life then you can imagine. We're all here because we battle things each day. Some know they'll die soon, others wait for the verdict to fall. Some may even survive. But we all know that waiting is the worst part.
I imagine the coffee cup to be full of amber liquid and I can almost taste it. Then reality strikes and the meeting begins. My mind starts to wander and I hear the words of faith, hope, and I believe in a better life when I'm gone, it's just that my hell here is taking too long. Sadly not long enough too.
I look around and really wonder if I had been drinking before I came. I don't remember. Maybe my disease has progressed too far. Sitting in the chairs, all I see are ghosts, not white, but a bluish grey variety. The purity is long gone, and most struggle for faith day to day.
"Hey Joe, where do you think you're going? Stay awhile."
Nowhere. Nothing to answer to, he's been dead for awhile, yet I hear him every time I come.
I need to breathe. I need to walk. I leave the room and my demons follow me out into the night.

First published: November 2000