M y daddy says that "average" is just a seven letter word between automatic stick shift and avocado. But the truth of the matter is -- I'm not very smart. That's why Mama says to dress in bright clothes -- to kinda throw everybody off track. I think I was born this way? But I tell all my male acquaintances that I was kicked in the head by a two hundred and fifty pound porker. Unless the male in question is also a two hundred and fifty pound porker, then I tell him it was a wild horse. It works most of the time. Except on Election Day. I don't believe I've ever gotten past first base on Election Day. Of course, any girl who's smart enough to hold a conversation with the male species on Election Day, I believe has the God-given right to get laid on Election Day. It's too bad, too. Because I'm very fond of politicians. Especially democrats. They never wear matching socks! I find that very sexy. Very titillating. T.I.T.I.L.L.A.T.I.N.G. I can spell Poughkeepsie, New York, too, because my daddy almost got transferred there in 1981. But I like titillating better. It's got such a nice ring to it!

My cousin Billy, who's dyslexic and divorced twice, told me I was titillating in 1988. I was eating a pistachio ice-cream cone on Grandma Bitty's front porch and, Lordy, I was dying to dig those nuts out of my back molars instead of charming my first cousin! Only I thought cousin Billy was diabetic and too henpecked, not dyslexic and two-timing his wife, so I was feeling kinda sorry for him. You know. Especially since I knew I'd just lay down and die if I couldn't have another lick of pistachio ice-cream for the rest of my life or, worse yet, Breyer's vanilla with those little black specks that look like spider shit? So, to make a long story short, I let cousin Billy sweet talk me into an uncompromising position that I was sure he couldn't -- you know -- complete, being a man of his affliction. Anyway, he could, we did, and I came this close to becoming his third wife except that I wanted children more than anything else in the world, even more than cousin Billy. And actually, I still do. Want children, I mean. More than anything. My daddy says that "baby" is just a four letter word between baboon and Bazooka Joe. I may not be smart, but I think my daddy is full of ... of ... F.E.E.S.I.E.S.