I am not Dumb for Prioritizing Doom
Steve Hagelman
I woke up to find that both of my hands were missing. "Am I going to feel sorry for myself forever or am I going to get on with my life?" I said, to myself, watching the blood gush from my wrists. My sheets were ruined, and I had no idea where my hands were. The day didn't start out very well.

I went to get breakfast, and let me tell you it was difficult cooking with all the blood and digit loss. The eggs were fine, but when I chomped on the sausage it tasted exactly like what my fingers used to taste like when I would suck on them (when I was child, I don't do that kind of thing anymore--I'm no sicko). I took another look at the package and it said "Tom's hand sausage" scrawled in magic marker. I had been fooled because I was Tom, and I had just mistakenly eaten my own hands ground into sausage that wasn't quite spicy enough. Who is behind this?

I then walked to work. I walked because I was afraid my driving, without hands, would endanger others. Since I live 30 miles from the office, I was a few minutes late and fired for it. Along the way a man, the culprit said to me, "How was breakfast? I bet you're handy in the kitchen." I didn't want to cause a scene so I said, "It was fine." I let him walk away. I would have confronted him, if there were not children around.

Walking home from losing my job, a bird swooped down and pecked out my eyes and left the rest of my face covered in bloody indentations. I wasn't happy about that. I had to feel my way home, and I accidently mistook a giant cruise liner for my apartment and boarded. Eventually they found me, we were at sea, and since I didn't have a ticket they threw me overboard. The ship, by the way, was traveling to Antartica, and along the way we were attacked by bees!

Though I didn't realize piranha inhabited arctic waters, they did, and they swarmed all about me, feeding. I can't blame them. That's what they do. That's what they know. They left me with just a head, however, which I didn't much appreciate. Then a shark came along and swallowed me. I spent the rest of my life there talking to dying fish.

First published: May 2000